Monday, January 28, 2013

Carbonated Beverages to Offset CO2 Emissions

COPENHAGEN - A landmark decision was made today, after a week of debate and disagreement at the environmental summit in Copenhagen. The major obstacles precipitated from differences between the first-world countries and the block of developing countries, but these have finally succumbed to the ingenuity of the diplomats and the good faith of all involved parties. Yvo de Boer, Executive Secretary of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC), considers the summit a "resounding success," while continuously dabbing tears of joy with an organic cotton kerchief.

The key piece of climate science was introduced to the discussions by the Coca Cola company. "By storing CO2  [the greenhouse gas that is the driving factor behind global climate change] as carbonic acid," mr. Thomas G. Mattia, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Public Affairs and Communications explained, "we can effectively remove the carbon dioxide that's poisoning our atmosphere and lock it up in water, thereby simultaneously saving our planet and providing delicious beverages for consumption."

Dubbed "Fizziks4All", the plan will reach beyond the 1997 Kyoto Protocol to a realistic and economically viable agreement for managing the global climate well into the next century. Analysts expect nearly unanimous ratification among the countries represented at the summit, and a wide-spread acceptance amongst the public. Although North Korea and Iran were expected to disagree and attempt to sow dissent, Palau - for some reason - also raised a vocal resistance to the plan. Even so, disagreement was token at best, and expert prognosis indicates that early adoption of "Fizziks4All" will phase in almost immediately in the most important CO2 emitting countries such as the US, China, and Brazil.

Details of the plan are still sparse, but it is said to be "ambitious," according to de Boer.

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